A New Year Begins…

With the approaching of a new year, we all begin making resolutions or at least dreaming about what might be.

Blank Notebook

“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”

― Brad Paisley

I love this quote not only because it pulls at my writer’s sensibilities, but also because it’s true. Obviously we are not always in control, and lots of what will happen may not be of our own doing. However, we can at least strive at doing the best we can.

Every year I have all these dreams of what I will accomplish or at least try. Like with most people, those things normally end up at least partially undone. As I get older though, I developed this sense of hurry, of urgency that was not there when I was younger. I’ve always been patient, willing to wait, never rushing. But for the past three or four years, I’ve had this need for speed. It’s almost as if, as my life draws near to the end, I realize I still have so much to do and possibly not enough time to do it. When you’re young, time just drags and old age is a very distant and abstract idea. When you get to my age, the end is suddenly very concrete. Most of the adults of your childhood are either dead or dying, your heroes, your idols, everything is dwindling down and you know that you’ll go sometime next.

Relaxed

I had always wanted to be a published writer. I had a knack for writing and did it constantly since very early on. My dream finally came true four years ago. Nine books later, I still find it hard to believe it actually happened. My next “dream” is to actually be mildly successful at it. It’s a very slow process and I get antsy. I don’t have a life in front of me to wait patiently for the world to discover my stories, I need it now. Talk about self-induced anxieties, lol.

Those of you who are in the last quarter or so of your life, getting ready to become silver foxes, do you feel this way too? This anxiety to accomplish a thousand things all at the same time and frustration of not having enough time for it? Or energy? It has gotten so bad for me, I avoid things I used to love (and still do) and that helped me relax so that I have time to finish that story, or work on that ad, or interact with my audience. It’s exhausting.

So for this new year I still want to accomplish all of that, but I also want to learn to relax, to allow myself those moments of blissful peace when there is nothing to do, no place to go.

What are your plans for the new year?

Sparkler

Germ Attack and Getting Old…

I’ve been hit by the bug. Not sure which bug but definitely a nasty, unwanted bug that has made me feel miserable for the past week and sent me back in my work load another couple weeks. Normally I write a lot when I’m sick but this particular germ brought a nasty headache with it. My brain feels as if someone has put my head in a vise for a few days. Four days of utter misery and a diet of meds. On the positive side I’ve lost weight. On the negative side I haven’t got anything accomplished. No grocery runs, no cleaning, no lesson plans, no yoga, no writing.

sickgirl

I bring this lovely subject matter up because I have come to realize that getting old sucks big time. Let me explain. Three years ago I would have bounced back this thing, be back at work and go to exercise afterwards. I remember having minor surgery in the morning and going to work in the afternoon. I used to think my friends were “milking” it when they acted as if they were dead after a simple cold. I had done it all; surgeries, wisdom teeth extractions, colds, even an ulcer without having to barely take any time off work. Until about a year ago when I had another of my repeat-offender surgeries in the morning and decided gleefully to go to work in the afternoon. Big mistake! The difference one year made. Something changed. I thought I was going to die. As soon as the anesthesia began wearing off I was in hell. So sure I could bounce off it as I had done many times before, I had refused any pain medicine. I had never needed it before, why start now? Because apparently your body just had it, foolish woman! 

tisana

Same with this cold. I’m not suffering from the flu or any major illness. It’s a freaking cold. And it is kicking my butt. Everything hurts from my head to my toes (and I mean that literally) and all I can gather energy to do is sleep. The simple act of getting dressed and driving to the store down the street to get meds left me exhausted. Is this what I can expect from now on? Is this what getting old feels like? Can someone get me off this ride please? It’s not fun anymore.

Spring Break

Spring break! Finally! No, I am not going on some fancy cruise to the tropics or even a weekend in the mountains. I have absolutely no plans for this week and that’s what makes it so exciting for me.

I am a teacher. You know, one of those who only work from 9 to 4 and have the whole summer off… Right! And unicorns really exist. Being a teacher is an around the clock job. I may not be physically at work but I am working. Lesson plans, materials to prepare, even the simple fact of figuring out new and exciting ways to help my struggling students learn. It never stops. Then, there are the never-ending trainings, meetings, electronic paperwork, assignments to create, grade, and file in the correct binders. I will be shopping and still working. Look, the kids would really like that! Wow, this would be an awesome incentive.

I am also a writer. Writing has always been a major part of my life in one form or another. Recently writing has taken on a different tone for me. As my mortality becomes more of a reality than I would like it to be, I feel that writing is how I can leave a piece of me behind. There’s a new sense of emergency to get all those stories I have been carrying around in my head for years out on paper, like unborn children wanting to see the light of day.

Reading, much like writing, has also been always a great part of my life. Just as with writing, I now feel I have to make up for lost time. After all, there are so many good books I haven’t read yet. What if I die before I read all of them? How can I go peacefully into the afterlife knowing I left so much to do?

My plans for this week? Drink lots of coffee, read tons and write even more. I am making myself NOT work (really tough for a teacher, let me tell you) other than alphabetizing my personal library (playing with books does not count as work). Camp NaNo starts in a couple days and I am ready! My fingers are itching and my mind is racing. I am so glad it is Spring break!