The Male Factor

Caution: bit of a rant ahead. Apologies to all guys who do not fit into this category  – even though I don’t know any 🙂

I come from one of those weird families in which a whole generation is comprised of females only to be followed by another generation of exclusively males. My generation was all girls and now we are all having boys.  Having grown with mostly women I find a lot of “manly” behavior perplexing at best. I don’t remember my dad ever acting like this, but then again, he was my hero and you tend not to notice flaws in your heroes. So, here’s what daily life in a mostly male household looks like:

At any time of the day I walk through a house littered with discarded shoes. Even though we have a big coat closet right by the door, there isn’t a single day I don’t trip over the not-so-delicate size elevens left randomly around the house. They seem to particularly like the kitchen (even though there is normally a nice collection of them also by the fireplace in the living room). I almost broke my neck last week trying to answer the phone when I stumbled over a shoe and lost my balance. You would think that it would be really easy to remove your shoes upon entering the house and throw them in the closet (which is literally at an arm’s length from the door. You don’t even have to move) but no! Apparently it makes a lot better sense to just discard them as you walk down the hallway into the kitchen. Needless to say, sooner or later I’ll hear the familiar sing-song, “Where are my shoes? I can’t find them”.  Well, I mumble peevishly, maybe next time you put them where they can easily be found. I am not holding my breath!

Another thing that happens almost on a daily base is the toilet paper conundrum; you would think that replacing a toilet paper roll requires a P.H.D. because that five second process is always out won by the very inconvenient habit of just placing the roll on top of the sink (where it consistently gets wet). And don’t get me started on the wet wipes… why would you leave the box to anything that needs to stay moist open? And later complain they are dry?

Walking in the kitchen of a male-rich household is always risky. Not only there is the discarded shoe issue but if you don’t pay attention you will hit your head or your leg in the various open cabinet doors. I have seen my boys ducking in order to avoid hitting the open door rather than …I don’t know, closing it?

I have given up on trying to help and washing their clothes. Why, you ask? Well, as you can see from the picture it’s a losing battle. The clothes you see piled up all over the floor are not necessarily dirty. In fact, I can guarantee that half of them just have been washed (ok, ok sometimes I still wash them). Clearly putting them away in the dresser and giant closet was too obvious of a choice to be the right one. So, they get thrown on the floor where they gleefully mingle with the dirty ones. “Mom, didn’t you wash my clothes? I can’t find them.” Duh!

The pantry/fridge mystery is another interesting thing about living with guys. “Where did you put the peanut butter?” I hear. It’s in the pantry, as usual. “I can’t find it.” I finally give up, walk to the pantry, move a box of cereal that’s standing up front on the shelf and there it is, plain as day, the peanut butter jar. “Well, it was hiding behind the box!”  Maybe, you should try actually looking further than the very front of the shelves… I think somebody should come up with a special type of shelf that it is only about 3 or 4 inches deep, so men can find things in the pantry and/or refrigerator without having to enlist a search party.

I leave you with my favorite; the circle conversation (because it goes nowhere). It goes something like this:

Woman: We have run out of milk. We better go to the store and get some.

Man: Sure.

Woman: Oh yes, and my aunt Betty is coming tonight for dinner so I was thinking of baking a cake and make her my special mac & cheese.

Man: Good idea.

Woman: So, let’s go to the store?

Man: What for?

Woman (slightly exasperated): Milk!

Man: Why? Did we run out?

Woman (almost yelling): Yes! I told you that not even five minutes ago.

Man (trying to appease her): So, I was thinking: romantic dinner at La Maison Bijou tonight just the two of us?

Woman leaves the room screaming.